A couple of months ago, my husband, Jan, flew us from Carlsbad, California to Yuma, Arizona. He’s a private pilot and we go back and forth between our home and our business in a little Beechcraft Bonanza.
I’ll be honest. I don’t love the little plane.
From the moment Jan said that he was going to get his pilot’s license, I resisted. So it was with more than a little trepidation that I yanked my head out of the sand on this particular morning as I sat in the passenger seat, in response to an urgent plea—through the headset during take-off—from Jan.
As he was steering the plane onto the runway, he looked at me (I was reading on my phone as I normally do) and said:
“Julia, I need you to pay attention here.”
My immediate thoughts?
What the fu&%??!! I don’t know anything about flying a plane! Why do I need to pay attention?? What is going ON? Something is WRONG.
If you’ve ever flown in a little plane like this, then you know it’s more adventurous than glamorous. The cockpit is small and the “dashboard” is covered with analogue dials and switches and buttons. (Think Radio Shack, 1978.) Honestly, it gives me heartburn.
Each of us is required to wear a headset so we can talk to one another; the noise of the engine and propeller prohibit casual conversation.
During take-off and landing, I have been expressly instructed NOT to speak. Jan needs to listen to commands from the tower (which I can also hear through my headset… along with chatter from every other pilot in the vicinity of the airport.)
So on that morning, after his abrupt and entirely unexpected “Listen up, get your head into the game” comment, I was unable to ask for any real information. And I could make zero sense of what was coming over the radio from the tower.
Instead, I sat up straight, fully in fight or flight mode, and began taking in my surroundings.
And I watched as we headed straight out over the Pacific Ocean.
Now, I’m not a girl with tremendous spatial abilities, but Yuma, Arizona is directly EAST of Carlsbad, California. And in San Diego, when you reach the ocean, you’ve gone about as far west as you can go.
In addition to flying the wrong direction, we broke through a marine layer of dense clouds that was thick and compacted—like a pile of white Wonderbread slices with the crust cut off. And once we were above them, I could see absolutely NOTHING.
At the same time, the air traffic controller said, “November-one-two-niner, squawk on 4750.” Jan reached across me to the transponder where he enters the code that allows our plane to be seen on radar by the tower. He always gets this code prior to take-off, and it’s specific to each flight.
But that very code had already been entered into the transponder.
Why didn’t the tower know that??
Even after Jan punched in the code a second time, the tower repeated the command.
By this point, I was on high alert. We were flying in the wrong direction. The cloud cover was intense. The tower couldn’t see us.
Tears began to flow.
I was terrified.
Something was WRONG.
It had only taken me a few seconds and the collection of totally obvious data from my surroundings to know that we were in serious trouble. And my heartburn was pushed into my throat as a rock-hard lump took its place in my chest.
And then… the air traffic controller from the tower said, “November-one-two-niner, turn right, and proceed on course.”
The next thing I knew, we were looking into the sun, flying toward Yuma, with the most incredible shelf of white below us. I could see the mountains in the distance and feel the light of morning on my face as the tears streamed down my cheeks.
And as I turned to look at Jan, I saw that he was smiling, relaxed, content even… fully in his element.
When he saw my expression of abject horror, the smiled dropped.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“What’s going on with you?”
“ME??” I responded. “What’s going on with ME? Why are we flying over the ocean?! What happened with the squawk code? How can you see the mountains that we’re moving right toward beneath these clouds? What’s going on? What is the MATTER?”
He was totally perplexed.
“Julia,” he said, “we always fly this way. It happens every time, just like this. The tower always repeats things; there’s tons going on. You just never pay attention.”
I JUST NEVER PAY ATTENTION.
And when I asked him why he implored me to pay attention as we took off, he said, “I’m not sure. I don’t even remember that. I guess I was talking more to myself than I was talking to you.”
WTAF?
This happens to us every day in real life:
As we buy into a story, or theory, or belief of some sort, it drums up our feelings:
fear, anger, anxiety, unworthiness, self-loathing, uncertainty…
Or the opposite kinds of feelings: love, desire, comfort, attachment, self-righteousness…
AND WE BEGIN TO PAY ATTENTION.
We begin to LOOK for data to support our theory.
And we use whatever data we find to tell ourselves that our story/belief/theory is TRUTH.
The official term for this is confirmation bias.
It’s the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of an already existing belief or theory.
And here’s what’s critical to know about ANY belief or theory. If you look for it, you will ALWAYS find data to support it.
On that particular morning, my belief was that we were in trouble. The cloud cover, the direction of our heading, the repeated instructions from the tower… they all confirmed my BIAS toward this belief. For me, the DATA meant TRUTH.
In everyday life, it’s a little more insidious.
How many times have you told yourself things like this:
–I don’t belong.
–People think I’m a rookie (or unqualified, or stupid, or overstating my claims)
–This is way out of my league.
–I’m too old for this. (Or there’s not enough time left, or my ship has sailed, or a younger person would do this better.)
–That’s going to be way too hard.
–I’m not THAT kind of person. (Or, I’m THIS kind of person.)
–So-and-so doesn’t like me.
–That’s risky. If I do that, I’m going to fail. (Or, it’s going to be painful, or I will regret it.)
–So-and-so isn’t being honest. (Or is stealing from me, hiding something from me, going to take advantage of me..)
-Or just plain old: THIS IS BULLSH%&.
It doesn’t matter what the story, theory, or belief is. You will FIND data to support that belief. And because you’re biased as you’re searching for it, you’ll be stuck in your own whirling vortex of affirmation.
The way out? It’s to SEE the story.
And to understand that for EVERY story, theory, or belief that you hold, there are an INFINITE number of alternative beliefs, theories and stories that could also be true.
For every story you tell yourself, there are an INFINITE number of alternative POSSIBILITIES.
And when you shift to a different story, you’ll find DATA to support that story, just as easily.
If you’re thinking, “I don’t fit in here,” then trust me. You’ll find the data to support that. And then you’ll act accordingly, creating even more supportive data in the process.
But if you alternatively tell yourself, “I belong here as much as anyone else,” the data will appear to support that new story.
I’m not asking you to BELIEVE me, here. I’m only asking you to try it out. Because when you do—when you see the power of negative stories and confirmation bias—you will begin to free yourself from the chains of the bullsh*& you believe.
Jan and I were flying on the same plane.
In the same weather conditions.
Seeing and hearing and processing the EXACT same data.
My story? “This sucks. We’re in trouble.”
Jan’s story? “This is a blast.”
If you’re looking to find data to confirm the lousy things you think and feel about you, your life, your relationships, your job, your business, your body, your kids, your potential, your opportunities… you’re gonna find it.
So look for something different.
Straight from the heart,
Juju
P.S. If you’re ready to call BS on the stories and look for something different, I’m here. Every day I work with clients whose data supports the limitations in their stories. And together, we re-write those stories. If you’re ready for a real relationship where I have your back while you SEE and PURSUE the possibilities (NOTE: It IS a significant four-figure investment, and worth every damned penny), then click here and schedule a discovery call. So you can take off for whatever destination you choose, and not pee your pants over whether or not you’ll land safely.
